Disappointment

It's been a real rollercoaster journey since graduating last year. I didn't really want to worry about graduate jobs whilst I was working to go travelling, I just wanted to get out into the world, but as time went by I realised I should do at least a bit of thinking. It's not like I hadn't been thinking at all, I just had no clear direction or idea about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, except some vague, naive idea about doing something that mattered, that made a difference yadayadayada...

I also somewhat foolishly believed that when I went travelling I would have a Damascus moment, an epiphany that set my eyes in the right direction, and gave me purpose and something to aim for. I had an amazing time away from home, learnt a lot about myself and changed a fair amount too, met some cool people, was used by God in some incredible ways and experienced a little taste of the big wide world. What I didn't get, however, was the loud voice from the sky and the arrow-shaped cloud showing me the way. I came back pretty much as confused about my future as I went out.

It took me ages to decide to come back to uni. I wasn't really that happy about it, but there didn't seem to be any other options: more than that certain "coincidences" had led me to believe that there was a reason (or reasons?) for me to be back in Southampton and at uni in particular. I wouldn't have met certain people again had I not, I suppose.

Then something started to take shape, and I found a little chink of light, enough to aim for. For the first time ever there was a graduate scheme I really wanted to apply for: Civil Service Fast Stream. I could see myself working there, I found affinity with the scheme, and it was somewhere I felt I could do some relevant and interesting and help improve life for other people. Yesterday I went to an assessment day for it, and today got rejected for the next stage... bummer. Really disappointing, and quite confusing. Wasn't this where I was headed? Hadn't God put it in my head and made me excited about it because He wanted me to get the job? I'd even failed one section of the online tests but been allowed to retake the tests! Apparently, it's not meant to be, at least not right now.

I imagine a while ago it would have really gutted me that I've missed out. I am really disappointed, but I've just been reminded that it's alright: that no matter where I go or what I do I'm ok. There is direction and purpose in my life, but unlike some who try and control it, I'm giving control to God. Mainly because I trust Him, but at the moment it's because I don't really have a choice in the matter! Maybe this whole experience was just to prepare me for something else...who knows? All I know is, I'm glad I can claim expenses back, or this graduate assessment malarky would get quite expensive...