Revision can wait

I never seem to be able to get the words out in the way I want to when I write these sorts of posts, but I'll give it a go. It's one of those moments where the combination of current mood, the music that is playing, and life in general all combine to create a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction, of yearning and wondering. I feel like my contemplations are on the edge of something big, something that will impact my world in a significant way. But it's right on the edge of consciousness, like it's taunting me - it's something far more fundamental to who I am than my everyday mundane thoughts and musings. And I can't quite access it, but by writing stuff down maybe it'll come to the surface.

I think I'm trying to communicate something that my whole self is screaming inside. I want more, and I want better. More love, more joy, more peace, more happiness, more meaning and significance, better relationships, better sensitivity, better life! I want to access those things that relaly make me tick, the things that make me me, and live life based on those things, rather than just taking things as they come without any real thought. I want to be active, working, doing, impacting, but at the same time, feel real peace. I feel like the rest of my life is beckoning to me from around the corner, waving a cheeky hand in my direction before running away down an alley and teasing me into chasing. I'm not even sure if that future is what I want, but I gotta go find out, right?

Disappointment

It's been a real rollercoaster journey since graduating last year. I didn't really want to worry about graduate jobs whilst I was working to go travelling, I just wanted to get out into the world, but as time went by I realised I should do at least a bit of thinking. It's not like I hadn't been thinking at all, I just had no clear direction or idea about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, except some vague, naive idea about doing something that mattered, that made a difference yadayadayada...

I also somewhat foolishly believed that when I went travelling I would have a Damascus moment, an epiphany that set my eyes in the right direction, and gave me purpose and something to aim for. I had an amazing time away from home, learnt a lot about myself and changed a fair amount too, met some cool people, was used by God in some incredible ways and experienced a little taste of the big wide world. What I didn't get, however, was the loud voice from the sky and the arrow-shaped cloud showing me the way. I came back pretty much as confused about my future as I went out.

It took me ages to decide to come back to uni. I wasn't really that happy about it, but there didn't seem to be any other options: more than that certain "coincidences" had led me to believe that there was a reason (or reasons?) for me to be back in Southampton and at uni in particular. I wouldn't have met certain people again had I not, I suppose.

Then something started to take shape, and I found a little chink of light, enough to aim for. For the first time ever there was a graduate scheme I really wanted to apply for: Civil Service Fast Stream. I could see myself working there, I found affinity with the scheme, and it was somewhere I felt I could do some relevant and interesting and help improve life for other people. Yesterday I went to an assessment day for it, and today got rejected for the next stage... bummer. Really disappointing, and quite confusing. Wasn't this where I was headed? Hadn't God put it in my head and made me excited about it because He wanted me to get the job? I'd even failed one section of the online tests but been allowed to retake the tests! Apparently, it's not meant to be, at least not right now.

I imagine a while ago it would have really gutted me that I've missed out. I am really disappointed, but I've just been reminded that it's alright: that no matter where I go or what I do I'm ok. There is direction and purpose in my life, but unlike some who try and control it, I'm giving control to God. Mainly because I trust Him, but at the moment it's because I don't really have a choice in the matter! Maybe this whole experience was just to prepare me for something else...who knows? All I know is, I'm glad I can claim expenses back, or this graduate assessment malarky would get quite expensive...

Because everyone has to write a New Year post

Don't they? Classically, this is the time when people tend to reflect on the year gone by, to mull over mistakes that were made, decision that weren't made, missed opportunities and the like. To be honest I already knew what things I had or hadn't done before the year was over. I'm more about moving forward than looking back now. Sure there are regrets, and mistakes, and foolish decisions, but there was also a trip round the entire world (!), excitement, fun, new friends, uncertain times (but safe in the knowledge that God knew where it was all going), provision and comfort: so I suppose it all balances out, and to be honest, none of it is going to directly affect the future. It's just there, it happened: I think I learnt from it all, but only time will tell that I suppose. What is really important is the right now, what I'm doing, right now. I think there's two ways of "living in the here and now", as it were, taught to me when I was younger but something I've always remembered and hold onto. You can either assume that there's nothing to come, nothing to be really eternally responsible for, and nothing to look forward to, so live exactly the way you want to, because, well, it's fun and it doesn't really matter. A bit extreme I know, but to some degree or another, a lot of us do it. Some of us are maybe more sensitive than others, or seem to have had a few more morals drummed into us, but humans everywhere enjoy doing what's "right for them". Eat, drink and be merry, as it were, for tomorrow....who knows?

The second option given to me was to live with an eternal mindset. All of us I believe are eternal beings because we have the capability of considering the eternal, and this is because we were made to last. Not physically, of course, at least not on this earth, but originally we were made to endure eternally. But this eternity doesn't hold much hope for us. Even if we can admit to believing in the possibility of heaven, it doesn't actually excite us because we don't really know what it means, or what's in store. Even a lot of Christians I know focus on the here and now without considering heaven much at all, which whilst understandable I think means we miss out on so much of reality. The Bible says there is another reality to come, a real and physical one, where God will declare His reign over everything. He will be God. And we can be there because of Jesus, with confidence, a hope of eternity in perfection assured. For a lot of people, they go too far and don't think about anything but heaven! They miss the point somewhat. Heaven is not just something to look forward to, but something that should transform our lives. I can confidently give myself to Jesus everyday, and live His way whatever the cost because I know where I'm going, and it's going to be great. I forget what was behind, good or bad, and I keep moving forward. To be eternally minded is to live in the here and now in the light of heaven to come. I don't think it's possible to be excited about my life now without heaven - which is the eternal consequence of trusting in Jesus' sacrifice and making Him Lord. Equally I don't think I could be real if all I thought of was heaven and detached myself from the difficulties of reality.

This post turned out rather differently to what I imagined at the start....