Whole Life

I went to a seminar today by a man called Will Day entitled "My first 100 days at the Sustainable Development Commission". Not the most exciting title, but it was absolutely fascinating. This guy has worked for and managed some of the biggest NGO's in the world, including being one of the main guys behind Comic Relief, and now he's working advising the government on sustainable development. It was fascinating hearing how our current economic model of growth is not only completely unsustainable, as we've already seen with the recession, but not even necessary: it is possible to have prosperity without growth. It really struck a chord with me, as I am convinced in my heart that the answers to the world's problems do not lie in pure financial gain, but, as Will put himself, living within the environmental limits of our world to secure a future for everyone (or something along those lines).

Then in the question time, somebody asked what he thought about sustainable development as a 'holistic' way of seeing development. Holistic is a word that many people dislike, treating it like a meaningless jargony buzzword. Actually, holistic really means encompassing the whole of the spectrum of life, ie, not focussing on one driver for change, eg, economics, but including the broad range of important factors that need to be considered: environment, social prosperity, climate change, personal wellbeing, etc.

Living a holistic Christian life is really important too. Too often we can separate our lives into 'sacred' or 'secular', and see the latter as the unimportant bit, whereas the former is what God is really interested in. 'Sacred' activities include our private prayer life, reading the Bible, going to a bible study, church, helping out with youth group, or kids club, or whatever. 'Secular' basically means everything else, including school, or uni, or work. It's just stuff we do, but there's a lack of real connection between our faith and those activities. Actually, secretly deep down I think a lot of us enjoy the 'secular' activities more than the 'sacred' sometimes! But here's the Big Secret: there's no such thing as a sacred/secular divide!

It comes down to worship, I think. That word for a lot of people means singing, or playing in a band, or something you do along to a Matt Redman CD. For quite a few more, it means involving God in some way in our everyday lives, but we're somehow unable to quite connect it all up. Here's a tip: start viewing your mundane (or slightly more exciting) everyday life as something that God has given you to bring him glory in, as something that is meant to be as much a part of your spiritual life as the obvious stuff. In fact, we spend about 2/3 hours in "Christian" activity every week, but 30/40 hours at work, or in school, or...no, for uni it's about 15, but you get the picture. The place you're spending most of your time is your primary environment for worshipping God. I don't mean dancing around the open plan office whilst singing "Undignified" at the top of your life, but that actually the normal activities become a way of worshipping God as you pursue being excellent, or as you relate to your colleagues, or as you begin to see His hand in your circumstances, or begin to see how His message is relevant to what you're doing. I'm starting to see it, and today was a major step forward, realising there are those in the 'secular' world who are seeing through the darkness, and for me that's proof that God works His plans through the lives of those who don't even know Him yet, it's grace in abundance.

I've probably done the idea of holistic living a major underwhelming disservice here, but I'm just trying to convey the heart of it simply: everything you do matters, don't promote certain things over others because they all count. Priotise, sure, but don't see some things are completely unimportant because they have no easy connection to spiritual things. All things are spiritual to those who follow Him!

Times are changing

It's amazing how going into new things can serve as a way of seeing how you've changed. I don't think I'd realised it properly, but I have changed, a lot. If I consider myself now to who I was back when I left school (or even when I left uni first time round), I've learnt a lot about myself, about other people, about God, and about how they all interrelate. I see in myself different attitudes towards various aspects of life: I'm more confident, and I hope without being arrogant, and this has influenced the way I see things in the world.

I guess it's important to distinguish where the confidence comes from. If it comes purely from me, and my ability to achieve great things, then I'm pretty sure that actually that should be defined as pride. For me, this confidence has come from rediscovering and taking on board in a much deeper way who I am. At the surface level, I'm a Christian - but actually I guess that could mean any number of things, not all of them true or helpful. What it really means, is a whole myriad of things, all at the same time: I was once dead, but now I'm alive, made new and welcomed into God's family with open arms, because of Jesus and what he did for me on the cross. I have nothing to boast about in myself, only that Jesus considered me precious enough to pay the penalty of death for the life I've led in the past ignoring God. It's so freeing, because it means I don't have to strive hard to try and achieve something (perfection, the only other way God would accept me) that I could not even achieve anyway! It's freeing in the sense that not only do I not have to try and earn forgiveness, but I'm actually free to enter into a new life, with God, trying to follow him, knowing that instead of trying to please a harsh and demanding master, I'm engaging in life the way it was meant to be, with my Lord and Father right there with me, giving me the strength I need to grow and behave and think. I don't always get it right, but He's already dealt with that, so we keep going, ignoring whats already happened, pressing on regardless.

Whilst that was a major preach, it's so central to my perspective on life that it needed to be said. It hardly scratches the surface of what it means to be 'in Christ', a phrase I love right now and want to blog on sometime soon, but I hope it sums up why being a "Christian" is such an amazing privilege and exciting adventure. It doesn't matter what life throws at me because I'm safe, ultimately, in His hands - pain still affects me, but in the end it's meaningless when faced with the reality of heaven. It means that I can actively involve myself in work that will cause me pain, in order to serve others, knowing that there's joy in it, and also looking forward to when joy will be made complete. Knowing heaven is our final destination frees us to follow God's voice wherever it leads! I love it.

Sorry, another preach. I also wanted to make the point that I'm not a finished article: the work of sanctification, God's process of shaping and refining us to look like Jesus, bit by bit, is ongoing, and will never stop this side of heaven I think. It's why it's important to gain a bit of perspective once in a while about where we've come from, and where we are now.

The way in which God's done that for me is nothing short of breathtaking. He's allowed to me experience real lack of passion for what I was doing (my Masters project in SA), in order to teach me the value of doing something important even if right then and there it's the last thing I want to do. He's provided for me to travel round most of Southern Africa and see some amazing things, but constantly amaze me at His ability to provide me with opportunity to share about Him, and see His work in the hearts of those I encountered. He's given me a job where I'm able to appreciate how my thought process has changed, and how I understand much more now, and I'm able to connect the pieces information I receive together better. By no means satisfied with that though, I want to keep pressing on. Finally, He's put into my life a beautiful girl, who has made me realise how much I have changed in my attitude to relationships, partly through her own attitude to it all. I'm really appreciating how much God is using her to teach me things about Himself, about myself, and about His heart for relationship - not just romantic ones, but right now I guess that's my context =)

Ask, and ye shall receive

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Matthew 6:8

Some people in my life know the saga over my contract for my new job. Originally placed in the Department of Environment back in June, I met with a lady from HR before leaving for South Africa, and was told the contract would be with me within a week or so. Cue almost 3 months of frustration! I've always been somebody who likes to be in control. I think it's a human nature thing to some extent, although some are better at letting go than others. I've definitely learnt a lot over the past couple of years, thanks in part to going off travelling by myself, about relaxing when I don't know what's going on. In this case, though, I think the fact that it was linked to the career I was sure God had put in my path, that actually made me frustrated that I didn't know what was going on.

At first, having not heard anything for a couple of weeks, I decided to email the department. No luck: not even a reply. I decided, in a super-spiritual moment, that I would "trust God" with the situation, and not talk about it to anyone. However, the weeks grew into months without a reply: I was sending more and more forceful emails without anything coming back. Once again, I "gave it over" to the Lord, but this time I was also telling anyone who would listen what was going on: 'You won't believe this, they're not even replying to my emails!' I began to doubt that this job would even happen: perhaps they were actually having second thoughts about employing me, having realised I'm actually a total fraud and totally ill-equipped for the job in hand. My confidence levels were plummeting.

Finally, about 2 weeks ago, I decided to email the Fast Stream team who placed me at Defra, and things started to happen. I felt kinda bad though, like I had ratted on someone to get my way, and thought I had marked myself down as one who kicks the cradle when he's not happy. At least I got a response, I thought. However, still no contract! I had asked for it to come by yesterday, if at all possible, if its not too much trouble, thanks ever so much, what. When it didn't, I thought I'd be "mature" about it and leave it another day before emailing to politely demand its whereabouts.

Having just emailed them, I sat there at my desk, and said to God, "What is going on? God, I trust you, I think, and I don't want to demand anything of you: when you're timing comes, then the contract will come." This whole summer felt like a real test in patience, and my inability to keep my bitching mouth shut about it all summer showed how little I had. Then a voice, well, one that was only audible to me, inside my head, said:

"Well, have you actually asked me for the contract?"

It hit me like a flipping freight train. I hadn't asked God once to actually give me the contract! It felt too demanding, like why would God go out of his way to do that for me, when there's much more important things in the world like people starving, lost children who don't know their heavenly Father, and all that? But the voice didn't come from me, so I decided to obey it.

"Ok God, yes, please give me the contract. I know that you're in control, and the world's not ending without it, but I really would like it now, ok?"

It felt a little weird praying like that. Just now I had to go and fetch somebody from down in town: a 10 minute pickup turned into almost an hour of errand running. When I got back, hot and a little tired from sitting in a car in the sun with no air-con, there sitting in my inbox is two emails from Defra: one with the contract, the other with details of my first posting! God's timing is not lost on me. I checked the time that the contract was sent from the Shared Service Directorate (who write the contracts) to the lady at Defra, and it was at 10.55 this morning: before I sent the email.

"Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him." Matthew 6:8

" Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you" Matthew 7:7

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" Matthew 7:11

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." Mark 11:24

"If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you." John 15:7

I could go on and on. It makes me realise that there are so many things in this world that we don't ask for: we just assume God will do them in His timing. God didn't give us prayer just to ask, but that is one of the main reasons for it: to present our requests to God! And He does answer. If He cares about the little, how much more does He care about the world and its big problems? Blows my mind. And our role in this?

"He told them, "The harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3: 20-21

Fast Food Nation

Every so often I have this thought that things are too rushed. We seem to live in an 'instant' world: instant credit, fast food, broadband internet, fast cars and the like. Everything is just getting faster! I think it's also led to a distinct lack of patience, at least in the Western world. One of the things I love, and also get frustrated by (thanks to my Western mindset) about Africa is how chilled it is. Things change, plans are altered, meeting don't quite start on time, whatever. In the business world, this would be called inefficiency, wasted time, and there's an element of truth in that - a lot of us spend so much time on our computers, or watching tv (instant entertainment!), or doing whatever, that we don't do more of the things that really matter, that have real value.

How many of us complain that we have no time to read the Bible, or spend time with friends, yet we either spend loads of time procrastinating, or tied to a desk? I know I do - I think I'm one of the worst at wasting my time. I claim to take certain things seriously, but actually I spend very little of my time doing it. I don't want to make anyone feel guilty here, in fact I want to positively affirm you to do more...but to do more of the things that really matter! In this frantic world we live in, actually it takes a wise person to stop and think, to consider, to ponder, whatever. And an even wiser to make sure they take the time to consider God, who He is, what He's doing, and how we relate to Him. It doesn't require us to 'do' anything, but I think it's an active process for us. It means we allow Him space to be I AM, and we remain open to Him and what He's doing.

This would be seemingly nonsensical for some of us: how can we be inactive and yet be engaged in a process like this? Because we realise that the source of action comes from God, and we respond. There are times to pour out our heart to God, but of equal importance are those times where we just exist, with God, in communion. Sounds crazily hippy, but it takes away from us our desire to be the one in control. I think that those who are so involved in the various 'activities' of this life, barely pausing to consider the point of it all, are actually afraid to relinquish control. I know this is true for me. We can learn that "God is in control", but until we stop, and let go, even when, no especially when things are difficult, or frantic, we will never know this as biblical truth in our own lives. Truth is not effective if it remains an intellectual thing: it only becomes fully functioning when it becomes part of our experience as well.

Answers on a postcard

God constantly exceeds my prayers and expectations. I sometimes doubt Him, or wonder if I'm heading the right way, or why I don't seem to hear His voice, and then days like yesterday happen where He confirms to me that He hears me, and that He speaks with authority into my life. I feel like there's too much to try and explain everything, but during worship at church last night, the words of the songs and the passages of Scripture I was reading just confirmed all kinds of ideas and issues I had collected during the last week or two, and spoke truth into my life concerning them. I'm pretty sure this post isn't going to do any of it justice, but I will struggle to convey them in a way that is coherent.

In fact, struggling, or wrestling, was the theme of the talk last night. We looked at Jacob's wrestle with God in Gen 32, as he tries to prepare for the arrival of his brother Esau, whom Jacob robbed of his inheritance as the older brother by tricking their father into giving it to himself. Jacob is dividing his family and estate between two places, so that one part can escape whilst Esau attacks the other with the 400-strong entourage he has brought along. He send his family ahead of him, and then:

"So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak."

Where did this man come from? Jacob obviously recognises him as being greater than he, and will not give in. God even dislocates his hip (!) in an effort to make him let go, but Jacob replies:

"I will not let you go unless you bless me."

God ask him his name, despite knowing it, and then gives him a new name, saying:

"Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have overcome."

Jacob, as far as I know, was the only man in history to see God face to face and live. His struggle with God, whilst not normal experience for us, shows us something of God's heart for His relationship with us: the answers to life's problems are not supposed to be easy "popcorn" sayings that help us through bad times: in fact, it is only as we struggle with God, and answer the questions He gives us, that we find out who we really are, and begin to work out why things work the way that they do. God asks many people who search him "What is your name?" In essence, He says, "Who are you, and what are you doing here?" We often have so many questions, and yet God skilfully helps us answer them by asking questions of his own. He knows the heart of the problem, even when we can't see it. We're so involved in the problems that face us, so overwhelmed or blinded, that we need God to give us fresh perspective, to open up the recesses of our heart where our true feelings lie, expose them, and to deal with them. It's not supposed to be a simple process: we all need to wrestle with God, constantly, over the things that matter to us, and also the things that matter to Him.

In chatting with a friend over coffee last night, I realised this principles applies to the way that I answer questions about my faith, or about suffering, about Jesus, the cross, the Christian faith, faith itself, and so on. So often we try and refine our answers to these 'postcard' length replies, thinking that we have cleverly found a way of explaining the truth. Now I'm not trying to criticise apologetics, in fact I'm usually the one defending apologetics (anyone else get the irony there?), but sometimes we work so hard on neat answers that we fail to serve those who are asking the question on two counts. Firstly, we actually may fail to listen to them properly, and to understand what the problem really is. Sometimes the questions is hypothetical, sometimes it comes from a real hunger to know the answer, and sometimes it is symptomatic of a deeper problem in that person's heart. In order to find this out, we need to ask questions ourselves, and ask for God's guidance and revelation concerning this person. Secondly, we can sometimes fail to point that person to God, in order to help them wrestle with Him over the issues that they have. We may have good answers, but it is only the Holy Spirit that illuminates truth, and it is when we do business with God, when we face up to the possibility that He may well exist and needs to be directly communicated with, that we find what we're looking for.

All I'm really proposing then, is a level of sensitivity in our conversations about God that leads us to always question, always probe for deeper reasons, always point them towards God, and in so doing, love them deeply by directing them to the One who has real answers, if only we'd struggle with Him long enough to find out.

New thoughts!

So having started this blog because I wanted a place to put down my thoughts, I then fail to write down any of them for almost 7 months. Not that I haven't been thinking at all in that time, it's just, well, life took over.

Looking back on my previous posts, I realise that things have changed. Having dealt with the disappointment of not getting into the Civil Service, God then almost straight away dealt me another hand, this time pocket aces, by allowing me back into the Fast Stream assessment and then helping me to ace the assessment centre: I'm in! Old news, but interesting that I had to go through a period of letting go, truly giving myself and my future over to God before things could proceed. It made me realise that my future is not completely in my hands: whilst I have decisions to make and responsibilities to, well, be responsible for, God is actually the one in control here, not me.

I am truly excited about working for the CS. Not everyone cup of tea, but somewhere where I hope I can make a real difference, and serve many people. As I have thought about what it means to be a Christian working for what is really now a secular government, two words have come out loud and clear: justice and righteousness. Not automatically the ones I would have chosen. Truth would definitely have come into it, as I'm someone who loves to debate about truth, logic, and reality with others. I think though that God is right on these ones though. Truth I think it neatly described by both Justice and Righteousness. Biblically, they're what the Law of God is built on: justice to serve the poor, and the oppressed, to see God worshipped for who He is, as God, and righteousness because obeying the Lord and finding out what His will is the most noble pursuit in life.

Trying to find life by the Law (ie, trying to earn goodness) is foolishness: we can't do it! We'll always mess up. We can bring our attempts and "good works" before God and say, 'look what I did God, aren't I good?' and God will look at them and say (in effect), 'So What? I'm God!' He, and He alone, is good, none other. But as a child of God, chosen and saved by Jesus, made holy by his sacrifice, we can see the Law for what it is: perfection! We won't live up to it fully, and we can't make God love us any more (or any less) by our attempts to live by it. In fact, God promises to live through us, to enable us to live well. It's not just down to us, we're not on our own: God is with us, and is living a Jesus-coloured life through us, to achieve His will on earth. That's what excites me. God has called me into relationship, to live in relation to Him, to realise my place, and to be excited by all He has in store for me. What purpose! I'm not just to wait around here on Earth until the end comes, trying to be good and hoping that heaven will come. I'm called to be someone who impacts the world around me as God works through me, powerfully.

I can find no greater comfort or inspiration than this in my life.

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

Revision can wait

I never seem to be able to get the words out in the way I want to when I write these sorts of posts, but I'll give it a go. It's one of those moments where the combination of current mood, the music that is playing, and life in general all combine to create a feeling of restlessness and dissatisfaction, of yearning and wondering. I feel like my contemplations are on the edge of something big, something that will impact my world in a significant way. But it's right on the edge of consciousness, like it's taunting me - it's something far more fundamental to who I am than my everyday mundane thoughts and musings. And I can't quite access it, but by writing stuff down maybe it'll come to the surface.

I think I'm trying to communicate something that my whole self is screaming inside. I want more, and I want better. More love, more joy, more peace, more happiness, more meaning and significance, better relationships, better sensitivity, better life! I want to access those things that relaly make me tick, the things that make me me, and live life based on those things, rather than just taking things as they come without any real thought. I want to be active, working, doing, impacting, but at the same time, feel real peace. I feel like the rest of my life is beckoning to me from around the corner, waving a cheeky hand in my direction before running away down an alley and teasing me into chasing. I'm not even sure if that future is what I want, but I gotta go find out, right?

Disappointment

It's been a real rollercoaster journey since graduating last year. I didn't really want to worry about graduate jobs whilst I was working to go travelling, I just wanted to get out into the world, but as time went by I realised I should do at least a bit of thinking. It's not like I hadn't been thinking at all, I just had no clear direction or idea about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do, except some vague, naive idea about doing something that mattered, that made a difference yadayadayada...

I also somewhat foolishly believed that when I went travelling I would have a Damascus moment, an epiphany that set my eyes in the right direction, and gave me purpose and something to aim for. I had an amazing time away from home, learnt a lot about myself and changed a fair amount too, met some cool people, was used by God in some incredible ways and experienced a little taste of the big wide world. What I didn't get, however, was the loud voice from the sky and the arrow-shaped cloud showing me the way. I came back pretty much as confused about my future as I went out.

It took me ages to decide to come back to uni. I wasn't really that happy about it, but there didn't seem to be any other options: more than that certain "coincidences" had led me to believe that there was a reason (or reasons?) for me to be back in Southampton and at uni in particular. I wouldn't have met certain people again had I not, I suppose.

Then something started to take shape, and I found a little chink of light, enough to aim for. For the first time ever there was a graduate scheme I really wanted to apply for: Civil Service Fast Stream. I could see myself working there, I found affinity with the scheme, and it was somewhere I felt I could do some relevant and interesting and help improve life for other people. Yesterday I went to an assessment day for it, and today got rejected for the next stage... bummer. Really disappointing, and quite confusing. Wasn't this where I was headed? Hadn't God put it in my head and made me excited about it because He wanted me to get the job? I'd even failed one section of the online tests but been allowed to retake the tests! Apparently, it's not meant to be, at least not right now.

I imagine a while ago it would have really gutted me that I've missed out. I am really disappointed, but I've just been reminded that it's alright: that no matter where I go or what I do I'm ok. There is direction and purpose in my life, but unlike some who try and control it, I'm giving control to God. Mainly because I trust Him, but at the moment it's because I don't really have a choice in the matter! Maybe this whole experience was just to prepare me for something else...who knows? All I know is, I'm glad I can claim expenses back, or this graduate assessment malarky would get quite expensive...

Because everyone has to write a New Year post

Don't they? Classically, this is the time when people tend to reflect on the year gone by, to mull over mistakes that were made, decision that weren't made, missed opportunities and the like. To be honest I already knew what things I had or hadn't done before the year was over. I'm more about moving forward than looking back now. Sure there are regrets, and mistakes, and foolish decisions, but there was also a trip round the entire world (!), excitement, fun, new friends, uncertain times (but safe in the knowledge that God knew where it was all going), provision and comfort: so I suppose it all balances out, and to be honest, none of it is going to directly affect the future. It's just there, it happened: I think I learnt from it all, but only time will tell that I suppose. What is really important is the right now, what I'm doing, right now. I think there's two ways of "living in the here and now", as it were, taught to me when I was younger but something I've always remembered and hold onto. You can either assume that there's nothing to come, nothing to be really eternally responsible for, and nothing to look forward to, so live exactly the way you want to, because, well, it's fun and it doesn't really matter. A bit extreme I know, but to some degree or another, a lot of us do it. Some of us are maybe more sensitive than others, or seem to have had a few more morals drummed into us, but humans everywhere enjoy doing what's "right for them". Eat, drink and be merry, as it were, for tomorrow....who knows?

The second option given to me was to live with an eternal mindset. All of us I believe are eternal beings because we have the capability of considering the eternal, and this is because we were made to last. Not physically, of course, at least not on this earth, but originally we were made to endure eternally. But this eternity doesn't hold much hope for us. Even if we can admit to believing in the possibility of heaven, it doesn't actually excite us because we don't really know what it means, or what's in store. Even a lot of Christians I know focus on the here and now without considering heaven much at all, which whilst understandable I think means we miss out on so much of reality. The Bible says there is another reality to come, a real and physical one, where God will declare His reign over everything. He will be God. And we can be there because of Jesus, with confidence, a hope of eternity in perfection assured. For a lot of people, they go too far and don't think about anything but heaven! They miss the point somewhat. Heaven is not just something to look forward to, but something that should transform our lives. I can confidently give myself to Jesus everyday, and live His way whatever the cost because I know where I'm going, and it's going to be great. I forget what was behind, good or bad, and I keep moving forward. To be eternally minded is to live in the here and now in the light of heaven to come. I don't think it's possible to be excited about my life now without heaven - which is the eternal consequence of trusting in Jesus' sacrifice and making Him Lord. Equally I don't think I could be real if all I thought of was heaven and detached myself from the difficulties of reality.

This post turned out rather differently to what I imagined at the start....