Crystal Clear Communication

I've been struggling this week with a pretty stressful situation at work. I shouldn't say too much, but it involves one of the people I manage. At the heart of the problem lies, I think, an issue with the way this person perceives my attempts to communication with them. Their reaction is always defensive, and despite being their manager for almost a year, we haven't managed to form a productive working relationship, despite me being successful at this with the other eight people I've managed during my time leading this team.

It's taken me a while to diagnose what I think is a fundamental reason why we have a problem communicating: whenever I ask them about the work they're doing (even just to find out - I manage multiple teams), they assume that I am actually inferring that they haven't done their work, or aren't working hard enough, or something else that I haven't actually said. They do this when other people say things to them, but it's most acutely a problem with me because, well, I have to talk to them about work, I'm their manager!

Apart from the high levels of stress this has caused for both of us (especially this week, for particular reasons), something about the situation has bothered me, and it's taken a while to put my finger on it. Essentially, I feel a real sense of frustration that I'm not being taken at my word - that no matter how many times I say "please just take my words at face value", they are always going to assume I'm saying something hidden and react accordingly. I've struggled with feeling really offended at this, because I work so hard to mean what I say, and only say what I mean, and to have this consistently rejected really does hurt.

Thinking and praying about it more, I've realised that this person displays an extreme version of a trait that lives within us all - the temptation to become defensive, to read meaning into what people are saying that isn't at all intended, because cynicism is healthy for self-preservation. Think about all the backstabbing and gossiping that takes place in society, particularly in trashy shows like TOWIE or Made in Chelsea. Or the culture in business which insists that to make your way to the top, you've got to keep your cards tight to your chest, not let anyone know your game plan, never trust anyone but yourself.

My challenge is this - can we, as the church, live completely counter-culturally to this, and communicate with each other in a way that seeks open and honest relationships, ones fully in the light, with no ulterior motives and no suspicion?

An idealistic dream, perhaps, in a sinful and fallen world. But let's look at this further. What would it mean to communicate like this with our brothers and sisters in Christ? To start with the assumption that the other person means exactly (and completely) what they've said, and doesn't mean anything they haven't explicitly said either. I think it would cause two things to happen: firstly, we'd all work much harder at the clarity of our communication, and we'd be free of all the worry, stress and mistrust that comes from assuming that there might be something unsaid within the other's words. It would move us beyond simple politeness and courtesy into deep, supportive friendships built on the trust that comes from speaking plainly, where challenge can be given and received without defence, where we assume the other is looking out for us.

We'd be dragging our communication into the light and redeeming it from a world of mistrust and suspicion. This would however make us vulnerable to those who despite appearances may have ulterior motives, even within the church. I'm not advocating gross naivety, though I think we need more of it in the way we approach others. I'm also not contradicting Jesus' words in Matthew 10:16 to be "shrewd as snakes, and innocent as doves" - importantly, Jesus was talking about his disciples (believers) being sent out "among wolves" (i.e., the not-yet-believing world). Primarily I'm focusing my attention on the way we as believers communicate with each other - in a radical way that assumes the best and seeks openness at all cost. How wonderfully free-ing that would be!

This is not a challenge borne out of frustration at any observed duplicity within the church (though I'm sure it's there to some degree). Rather, I've just felt challenged to share this in order to build up the church, my brothers and sisters, with an encouragement to cultivate relationships with others in the church that are as open, honest and clear as we can. I believe this would make us stronger and more radically attractive to a fallen but seeking world that deep down craves real relationships built on love, trust and safety.

Finally, we know as Christians that our ultimate security and trust is in God. In Jesus we have a perfect and completely honest friend and Lord, who knows us inside out yet still seeks intimacy in relationship and is willing to speak the truth to those who have ears to hear his voice. It is his example that we should seek to recreate in our church relationships. It's also a journey, one in which friendships deepen and strengthen as we move towards what we experience in Jesus, safe in the knowledge that if (should I say when) we're let down and disappointed along the way, He is always there to remind us that our hearts are Truly Known.

Ephesians 4: 25 & 29 - "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbour, for we are all members of one body. Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."